When I graduated from college two years ago, I never imagined myself substitute teaching at my old high school. Yet here I am today, subbing part time at the school where I spent my teenage years. And what I’ve learned from the experience is not what I expected.

Whether or not you can relate to my experiences, I hope what I’ve been through can encourage you in whatever you may be facing in your life right now.

Rewind

In order to explain what I’ve learned from subbing, I have to rewind back to high school, or even earlier, to middle school. I had the opportunity to attend a private Christian school for seven years, from 6th grade to 12th grade.

And although this was a HUGE blessing that my parents sacrificed so much to make possible for me, it wasn’t without its negative aspects.

The school community was very small. Everyone knew each other, and everyone knew everyone else’s business. Gossip spread like wildfire.

Because of the nature of the school with its strict faith-based rules, popularity was measured by people’s ability to appear as happy, godly, and “perfect” as possible. The keyword here is appear. Which meant there were a lot of outwardly appearing good Christian students. But inwardly there was angst, depression, rebellion, anxiety, and anger everywhere.

These emotions hid behind smiling masks. And yet the students themselves perpetuated the fakeness by gossiping and judging other kids whose mistakes or issues happened to be brought to the surface.

What should have been a good year

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating just a bit. But I can tell you from firsthand experience that this is what it felt like at the time. My senior year was rough.

I was very involved on campus as student body secretary. I had a lot of family members who both attended and worked at the school. It felt like home and was the only community I knew since I was eleven. It should have been the best year yet. But because of some personal stuff happening in my life at the time, I began to feel like an outsider.

I was miserable

I could sense the gossip and judgment from people around me. Not only from classmates, of whom I felt like I had no real friends. But even from some of the staff, by whom I felt condemned. It seemed like I was being singled out as a failure in front of my peers instead of being reached out to and asked privately what was really happening in my life and my heart.

I was miserable and hated going to school. I stayed home as many days as my parents would let me (which wasn’t very many). Graduation couldn’t come fast enough so I could just get out of there.

Yet I was terrified of the future and all the unknowns ahead, so I didn’t like to think about it. To say I felt stuck was an understatement. I felt like I was suffocating.

Fast Forward

Thankfully time went on, graduation came and went, and college was a refreshing change. Eventually I grew and matured and became much happier with myself. But I still carried a bitter taste in my mouth from high school that I haven’t fully been able to shake.

That is, until now.

Fast forward to a few months ago, when I decided to quit my full-time job and pursue some of my passions in life. An opportunity to work at my old school happened to come up, and I learned that I had the qualifications needed for a part-time substitute teaching position.

My initial instinct was to say no. That I would never want to go back there, to relive my negative experiences, or to become a coworker to my former teachers. But after some thought and prayer, I took a step of faith and said yes.

And I’m so glad I did.

An important lesson

Although the actual subbing has had its ups and downs (as in crazy students causing classroom chaos and giving me major headaches), the experience has been an overall positive one. What I’ve found to be more true than anything is that no one on earth thinks about me as much as I do.

My worries about others’ opinions of me — my past mistakes, my reputation — simply don’t matter. High school was so long ago, and such a tiny part of my pre-adult life. I’ve held on to hurt, bitterness, and regret from my past without even realizing it. By going back to that place, I’ve learned that it’s time to let go.

When life comes full circle

It’s funny to think that this part of my life has come full circle. Since being back on my high school campus as a staff member, my negative memories from when I was a student have shrunk in light of the present.

Broken relationships (or what I perceived as such) have been restored. And my confidence in myself has grown so much. I feel like I can move forward now with no regrets, no burned bridges from that season.

Although my former classmates have all gone their separate ways and most are no longer in my life, I’ve chosen to forget whatever judgment they may or may not have placed on me all those years ago. I’m sure each and every one of them has had to overcome similar emotions from their past. We’re all works in progress, and thank goodness for that.

Substitute teaching

I don’t know how long I’ll be substitute teaching, but I’m glad I said yes to an opportunity to face a part of my past and set it right. This job has been more of a personal growth experience for me than it has been about trying to quiet down a classroom full of rowdy kids (although that’s been fun too — mostly).

I guess that’s just one example of the mysterious ways God works to refine us and make us more like Him every day.

Let It Go

If there’s one thing I could say to encourage you, it’s to stop being afraid to face your past. By choosing to ignore something, it doesn’t mean that it goes away. You have to forgive yourself. And you have to stop imagining your own experiences as so much bigger and heavier and darker and scarier than they actually were.

Even if your past hurts are much more painful than my high school experience was.

They’re probably still worse in your memory than they ever were in real life. God wants you to let them go. He wants you to be completely free, so you can move forward in life, with your confidence resting in Him, in His forgiveness, and in the identity He’s given you. It’s all about Him, not you or me, anyway.

And that’s what I learned from substitute teaching. ☀

Thank you Shannon Dudley for the photos!

Xo,

Becka

P.S. – 5 life changing books you need to read, and what loneliness has taught me about contentment.