Have you ever experienced a season of loneliness? One where you felt like you just had no friends? I definitely have. In fact, the season I’m currently in (save for one or two close friends) is pretty lonely. It’s almost like the “no friends” season keeps repeating itself over and over, ever since I was in seventh grade.

This is something I’ve wrestled with for years, wondering what’s wrong with me, and why can’t I seem to keep any friends? Maybe you’ve had those thoughts too. But I recently went through an experience that taught me about contentment, and about God’s sovereignty in our relationships.

By sharing my story and what I’ve learned from it, I hope I can encourage you to trust that God is faithful and will provide for you even in the midst of loneliness.

I’ve spent most of my life praying for true friends. The kind you can tell everything to, trust completely, be spontaneous with, and feel totally yourself around. And though I’ve had some friends like this, they’ve been few and far between.

I’m not angry about it. In the past I’ve felt sad, but I never blamed God for not giving me the kind of friendships I long for. I’m sure I play a part in it. I have walls up from past hurts and can be skeptical of people at first. (And I’m pretty shy and introverted too, on top of that.) But I don’t think it’s all my fault, or anyone else’s. Sometimes things just play out that way.

Growing up friendless

My circumstances growing up just didn’t made it easy for me to make a lot of friends. I never had a home church, so I didn’t have a solid church community. For middle and high school I went to a tiny private school. There were only so many cliques, and I just didn’t quite fit in with any of them. I spent a lot of my teenage years feeling lonely.

For college I went to a giant university, but I lived at home 30 minutes from campus. Plugging into community there wasn’t easy, but that wasn’t for lack of trying. I knew the importance of making an effort to pursue friendships, so I did my best.

I attended different Christian groups on campus, but since I didn’t live nearby I always felt like an outsider. Nothing ever really clicked. It almost felt like it was just too late for me to make friends. Everyone already had their besties, and despite my efforts I just couldn’t break into that territory with anyone.

It was exhausting trying to build new relationships. I always felt awkward, wondering if yet another person even liked me after meeting for coffee. I was drained and defeated, so I eventually gave up.

When God answered my prayers

Then I started praying more about it. I asked God to bring the right friends into my life at the right time. Until then I could be content with waiting. And it wasn’t long until my prayers were answered! Soon after I finished college, I was randomly invited into a new group of girls that was going to meet regularly, and everything clicked so perfectly.

We all became close really fast. Even though I was the brand new person, I never felt like an outsider. Our weekly meetings were the highlight of our weeks. I felt so full after our times together and excited to live the next week knowing I had a support system around me. I cried of happiness and thankfulness to God for finally answering my prayers.

God gives, and God takes away

But nothing lasts forever. Somewhere along the way there was a fallout. After 6 months of spending every weekend together, encouraging each other and growing in our faith together, it was a silly disagreement that caused our group to shatter.

Humans are humans, so I’m learning that there’s always some dysfunction in any relationship. Especially in a group– with so many people, it’s hard to predict how a conflict will resolve. Some will forgive and forget, but some may choose to hold onto hurt and bitterness.

Girls in the group began choosing sides. There was avoiding, there was gossip; then there was confrontation, hurt, and tears. I didn’t understand why this group was crumbling around me. I could see all sides of the disagreement, but somehow the sides misunderstood each other.

Humans are broken

Each girl was waiting for an apology from someone else, but no one was quick to offer forgiveness. In the end it seemed like some were more content with losing a friendship than fixing the problem.

I didn’t want to let go. I felt stuck in the middle, not belonging to any side. But half the group didn’t even want to see the other half any more, so there was no way we were all meeting together again. This group of friends vanished as fast as it had come.

My heart was broken. I didn’t want to lose these friendships. I reached out and met one-on-one with people. But something was different. Things felt awkward, even forced. So in my sadness I finally gave up my efforts. When I stopped reaching out, it seemed like nobody noticed. I felt abandoned.

For awhile I was bitter and even upset with God, wondering why He brought these friends into my life in the first place. I had no idea that I would feel emptier after the fallout than I did before I even met them.

Contentment

It’s been over a year since then. A lonely year, without God refilling the hole of friendship I still long for. But God gives and He takes away, because He’s God. And although some of the hurt still lingers, I’ve learned so much in hindsight.

I know God allowed that season for a purpose. At the time I was in a place where I desperately needed to be vulnerable and have accountability. God was so faithful to provide that for me. I know He answered my prayers with what I needed most, and used that season to draw me closer to Him in the long run.

I’ve learned that I’m okay on my own. Maybe loneliness is a blessing in disguise! It can be quiet at times, but God’s always there and He’s the best friend I could ever want. He’s teaching me to lean on Him so much more, and shown me that I don’t always need a bunch of friends around me to fully enjoy life!

Learning to give grace

I’ve realized that rejection is often not so much about me as it is about the person I feel rejected by. That’s where grace comes in. I’m learning not to take things so personally, and to believe the best about people. It could be that they’re struggling in other areas that I don’t know about.

Most importantly, I’m learning that to make true friends, you have to be one. And that’s something God is teaching me to do better every day. In the meantime, I’ve discovered that it can be a gift to be alone. I can spend more time with God, pour into my family, and pursue my passions. I know God’s preparing me for the next season when He’ll make me a friend to someone who truly needs one.

Have you been through a season of loneliness? What has God taught you through it? I’d love to hear your experience. We can encourage each other and remind each other that we’re never actually alone. ❤

Xo,

Becka

P.S. – A letter to my younger self, and some simple self-care habits for more peace and joy.